Every Ending Is A Brand New Beginning

So readers, it is the holiday season. Christmas is around the corner and a new year is coming... All things considered, I have had a lot on my mind.

I've thought...
I've prayed...
I've cried...
I've slept on it...

And now, I've decided it is time to give myself an early present of my own for Christmas this year: independence. (I don't think that is the best fitting word, but that is the best I can come up at the moment. Feel free to let me know your better suggestions.) In light of the new year, I am choosing to let go of [you]--and "us"--to focus on me. After all, as a 21-year-old abroad, 4,000 miles away from [you], in Europe, I am convinced it is best for both of us.

This was not an easy decision, to say the least. Hell, part of me feels like I am just giving up. But the more I think about it all, the more I know I am making the right decision--and more importantly, the best decision for me. (Yes, you did read that right. For me. Is that selfish? No. A sign of a head-strong, smart young woman? Yes*.)
*I wish you could see the smile spreading across my face as I type that. :)

As much as I love [you], I can't say that things are good the way they are or that they even have been for the last couple months. To be honest, I can't even completely understand how things plummeted this far downhill at this point...

I mean, when I boarded that plane in Tennessee, I thought we were on the same page. I thought we were just going to take things as they came. And having no idea what the future held, I had every intention for holding out for [you] my whole time here... Was that silly? Maybe. But it is what my naive little heart desired. And even getting here and settling in, [you] were my one-man support system 4,000 miles away. The good things, the bad things, the trying times... [you] were the one person I wanted to share it all with at the end of the day. I still find myself wanting to share all these things with [you]... But then with one little disagreement over CouchSurfing, everything changed. Completely, total 360 changed and never got better... I just don't understand why something so trivial led to such a downfall. Especially when [you] "won" in the end and I completely gave it up for [you]...

All in all, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it all. I've made my mistakes. I'm not ignoring that. But just as I have made my mistakes, I have tried to grow from them. And to be better from them... to better for [you] from them. But it just seems that the harder I try to be better, and the harder I try to makes things right, I only ended up digging a deeper hole for myself. ...And it just doesn't add up to me.

I'm 21 years old. I am not perfect. I have a lot of room to grow. And I don't see that as a bad thing. It's only human. If anything, I find it exciting that I have so much life ahead of me--God willing*-- to blossom into the tender, loving, caring, honest, devoted, passionate, [insert better adjective here] woman that I'm suppose to be. I mean, do you--or better yet, did you not--see that potential? ...Cause I feel like the people that truely love you are suppose to be the ones who love and care for you--imperfections and all--because they know how truly amazing of a person you are underneath it all. ...Or as Nancy Tan would say, at your core. And they know how great of a person you can be at your best... And they don't forget it.
*Another great line from Tom Harrison

Either way, things have got to change. All I do is try, and yet I still can't figure out a way to improve things. Maybe it is me... Maybe I'm just not catching on to something that you need from me, that I need to change, etc... But I really think I've given it my all.

Things are to the point where they are taking a toll on me. An unhealthy toll. I'm giving up friends. I'm giving up traveling. I'm giving up passions. I've even considered giving up dreams and life-plans...
Don't get me wrong, I believe compromise is important in any relationship, but when you start to really change who you are and alter the things you love and that make you you, you're not being true to yourself anymore. And how can you expect to be true to others if your not first true to yourself?!

So I really think it's best to have my "alone" time in 2010. At the dawn of the new year, I need to take all the opportunities God has laid before me and see where all it takes me. I need to it all for me. ...To grow. ...To better myself. ...To blossom into the amazing person I can be! Because I need to grow and be secure in who I am before I can be my best for someone else...

With everything that has happened the past few months, I am not here to play the victim. Lord knows [you], as the closest person to me, saw me at my worst. And on those days, I can't imagine how I might have treated [you]... Looking back even now, I wish I would have done more for [you]. ...Would have been a better listener. ...Would have argued less over trivial matters. ...And would have let [you] know how very much [you] meant to me each and every day.

I'm not here to take the highroad. Yes, I have tried, but much of it was because of my own petty mistakes I made when it came to us. I took [you] for granted. I didn't show [you] exactly how much I cared ever chance I could have. I even played some of your opinions off as pure jealously... I should have listened more. I should have actually taken those opinions into account more... There so much more that I could have done...

And I'm definitely not here to point the finger of blame. We both know we weren't always at our best. I made mistakes, and so did [you]--whether you're at a place where [you] want to admit it or not. But no matter what happened, we still had something for the past year. We let each other into our lives. We were so much a part of each others lives. We loved each other. We cared about each other. And to some degree, we still do... So to just act like it never happened at all seems completely stupid. Maybe it is easier that way... But [you] still mean the world to me. And I'd rather have [you] as a friend then to completely lose [you]. Even if it takes time to get to that point...

In conclusion, I do want to say one more thing and I want to make it crystal clear:

I will not be made to feel insignificant.
I will put up with being belittled.
I will not allow someone who "loves" me to take me, who I am meant to be, and that I will be one day for granted.

I am Catherine Harrison. God has given my obstacles to make me stronger--head-strong and heart-strong--all my life. I'll be damned if I give all that up now at the ripe young age of 21. So before [you] continue "venting" some of that anger and resentment you've built up over the past few months (or maybe even longer), [you] better think--cue Aretha Franklin's Think here--about what it is [you] are actually saying, what it means, and how much hurt it causes... Is it worth it? Especially when considering how much we've loved and cared?!

So yeah, that is what I have to say for now... Who knows what God holds for us in the future.

No matter what, I still love you.
No matter what, I still care.
No matter what, I'll always cherish the times we shared.
No matter what, I'll always be thankful I had the chance to get [you]--such a wonderful man.
No matter what, I'll never try to harbor bitterness towards [you] or what has become of us. If anything, I will only try to learn from our mistakes...

This is as gracefully as I can bow out right now...



In closing, a line from She..., my high school graduation gift from MT.

"She said bye-bye to unhealthy relationships. Celebrate her happiness."